Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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Terribly Tuesday.
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Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Monday?
No. Next question.![]()
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
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