Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*