Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?
-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo