Terribly Tuesday.
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This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!