“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
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We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.