I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
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My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My dating profile:
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Flowers bee like
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.