Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
@ candidates for local office
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.