you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
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went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?