i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
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One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again