My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
That earthquake could have been an email.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.