Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.