What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Did my cat write this
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.