Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Feels
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Smooooooth