I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
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Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Banking tips
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me