It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
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The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free