i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
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Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.