A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
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I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from