Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
You Might Also Like
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.