Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
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My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”