[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me: