13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
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Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude