5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
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Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”