I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever