My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I have a new favorite meme page
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
screw you
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!