her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
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I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
The glory of fall.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Namaste
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair