[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
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(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Beauty and the Beast
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
just left a huge legacy in there
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits