My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
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Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.