Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
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Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
😍😂🥰😂😍
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.