“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
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The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack