Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My typo game is string.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…