Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
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Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles