my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
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Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”