Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
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I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
even bears disappoint their mothers
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.