Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
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I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!