No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
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Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.