The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
A ghost story
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol