i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
You Might Also Like
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
So that’s what we looked like?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?