@itsBABYSMITH

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

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@hello_saylor

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

@lucyworld1

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

@jordan_stratton

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

@raoulvilla

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

@thedad

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

@NourHadidi

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

@ColoradoUgly

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

@blueeyesgreene

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

@dave_cactus

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.