I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
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Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us