Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
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I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*