yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.