Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
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kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
fair
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Sharon, call the vet
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado