Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
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This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!