Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
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Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another