Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*