Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Pizza is an emotion right?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”