UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..