@egg_dog

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

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@robotrowboat

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

@ShotOfBull

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

@wavxga

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

@SeiYoung83

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

@Dad_At_Law

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

@DaddyBeerGuy

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?