Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
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i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold