Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
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I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
*puts cutlery down*
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.