My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
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[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”