Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
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Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for