Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
🙁
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school