A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
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My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Life cycle of cat
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
handsome & gretel
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why