A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
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[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*