Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Grandmother clock.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
My brain is a bad influence on me
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.