Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
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If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Intelligence is the new cleavage
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no